SmallBizResource Blog -- Women in Business

Wednesday's Woman: She's So Shy -- Etiquette Consultant Jodi Smith On How to Make Small Talk (Part 2)

Posted by Gayle Kesten Wednesday, Aug 27, 2008, 08:00 AM ET

Gracefully ending a conversation can prove just as difficult as getting into one in the first place.

In fact, back out the wrong way and you could wind up playing waitress at your next networking event, says Mannersmith Etiquette Consulting founder Jodi Smith, who last week taught us the fine art of engaging in small talk. In this, part 2 of SBR's conversation, Smith reveals the guilt-free way to exit a conversation, how to handle questions you don't want to answer, and why making small talk is like a burlesque striptease.

SBR: Now that we have some solid ways to start a conversation, what about how to end one?
JS: You have to have an exit strategy. When you're standing up in a networking situation, you're only expected to talk to someone for about five to eight minutes before it's time to move on. The idea here is not to land the client. The idea is to find out whether you enjoy talking to the person. The easiest exit strategy is not the most obvious. People default into what I call the "3 Bs." People will say, No. 1, I'm going to bathroom. Why would you tell someone you just met that you have a really small bladder? Too much information, and most people use it just as an excuse. No. 2, people will excuse themselves to go to the bar, which translates to, "This conversation was so deadly dull I really need a stiff drink." Or, even worse, they'll ask you to bring you back something and you've become a waitress. Last, you're not allowed to say, "Excuse me, there's someone over there I need to speak with." The implied B is there's someone better I need to speak with.

The right way to do this is very simple. You say, "It's been a pleasure speaking to you" with a closing handshake. If you want to follow up, ask for your business card or contact information. If you don't, wish them well, take a couple of steps and move on to the next person. Women, especially, feel emotionally responsible for other person. Well, they're an adult. They managed to get to event without you. They got dressed and brushed their teeth without you. They will figure out how to get to their next person. You are not responsible for them.

SBR: That's a great point.
JS: The last thing is that people forget that meeting someone is not building your relationships. When you get home or back to the office, then you need to triage the business cards that you got and actually reach out to these people. Set up a time to get together for coffee, send them a note that it was just nice talking to you, I hope we see each other at the next event. One of my goals whenever I go to an event is to meet five new people. Then my secondary part of my goal is to have one person I follow up with, and it's not necessarily to sell business to. Remember, it's not always the people you meet who end up being your clients, but the people they refer you to. So think about, who did I enjoy? Who did I have a connection with?

SBR: It sounds like setting up a second date.
JS: Exactly. The way that I describe networking when I'm giving my seminars is I tell them to imagine it's a Saturday night, you go to a bar, you see someone who looks attractive. You walk over to them and say, June 23 -- are you free to get married? Everyone always laughs. But that's what some people do at networking events. They meet somebody and immediately want to sell 10 boxes of widgets, or a story, or insurance to the person they've just met. The whole idea is to find out if you like this person enough to move on in the relationship.

SBR: I find initial meetings to be relatively easy. But then there's the second meeting, and we're having lunch, and now I really have to talk about stuff.
JS: That's what you want to think about -- Is lunch the best second date? I recommend an activity as a second date so you have a constant supply of conversational topics. I might find a seminar that I think both you and I would be interested in and meet there instead. I'm also all about economizing my time. That way I get to go to the seminar and I get to spend time with you. That way if the seminar speaker winds up being a dud, at least I got to talk to you more. If our connection doesn't really work, at least I got to attend the seminar.

SBR: How do you get past small-talk paralysis? I know what I know, but if you ask me to talk about it, I freeze. JS: In that case, I would say, let's talk about you. I'd ask you, what are some of the things that you're working on that you're proudest of? Then we'd script out some sample conversations and role-play them. For example, you could say, "Hi, I'm Gayle, I'm always looking for new ideas." By saying that, you've piqued a person's curiosity. Conversations are like a burlesque striptease. You're only showing a little bit at a time and very slowly. So then they'll ask, "What do you mean?" And you'll say, "Well, I write a blog." Then they might ask how often, what about, etc. And what are you talking about? Your area of expertise. But you've gotten the person to ask all of the questions instead of blathering it out as an elevator pitch.

SBR: What if you're asked something you don't have an answer for?
JS: If you don't know something, just say so: "That's a fabulous question, and I have no idea. Let me do some research and get back to you." And that's a great way to connect again later. Or sometimes I'll turn the question back to the person.

SBR: How do you handle questions you don't want to answer?
JS: Just because a question is asked doesn't mean you have to answer it. Someone might say to me, "So, etiquette? How much are you bringing in a year?" That's not information I'm going to share with people, so I might reply, "Well, I'm not a millionaire yet, but I'm getting there," and then I change the topic. But to say, "I'm not going to tell you" -- that's a conversation stopper. You might ask a person why they're asking a certain question and find out the real reason behind it is because they're interested in starting their own business and didn't think they could afford to leave their job. Then the real question is not how much I'm earning, but can they make a business out of something they love to do?

SBR: Should you ever just stick it to somebody?
JS: I find that sticking it to somebody just ends up leaving a bad taste in your mouth. You never know who that person knows. As my father is fond of saying, "Take the high road, there's less traffic." Save the witty retort for when you're having coffee with your friends later.

SBR: How much personal information should you reveal as part of small talk?
JS: It depends on who you're talking to. Sometimes I reveal a lot, other times I don't. Different people have different comfort levels on this. When I'm interacting with men -- because we all know life isn’t fair and if a woman talks too much about her personal life she's not seen as professional enough -- I try to follow their lead.

SBR: Any closing tips?
JS: Don't close down a networking event. Be busy. Work the room, talk to five new people, and when your shoes start to pinch, say your good-nights and go. Successful people tend to go early and leave early. Especially for introverts, going early means you're walking in a room that's mostly empty. Whoever is there is going to be happy to talk to you. You're positioning yourself in a much better way. If I'm really introverted I'll get involved in the planning committee and get on name-tag duty so that I'm part of registration crew. Now I have a job, so I'm not just standing there with a drink in my hand. Everyone has to come over and say hi to me, and I get to meet everyone as I hand out their name tags. When the event starts, I already know which people I want to approach.

The only other thing is that women should wear something that they feel fabulous in. One of most fascinating studies I read a long time ago was that if people who were introverted wore red to the office, at the end of the day they felt more confident. I don't recommend black, especially when you're going to these professional events. You walk in and it's a sea of navy and black. Try to find something that's more visually interesting and you actually find people will approach you.

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Recent Wednesday's Woman articles: >> She's So Shy -- Etiquette Consultant Jodi Smith On How to Make Small Talk (Part 1) >> Words of Wisdom You Can Really Put to Work >> Just Say No to Yes >> Push Your Senators for Fair Pay >> A $1 Million Business Plan >> Archives

The Wednesday's Woman series is written for today's community of hard-working, small-business women, featuring profiles, industry trends, research, work/life balance issues and other topics of interest. As always, send your ideas to Gayle Kesten.

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